LiL aNNa

2010-09-14T18:43:00.002+08:00

i want u 2 love me endlessly.

more than words. not juz words.

i wish i was heartless. so that i dun feel sad or hurt. ='(

2010-09-07T18:36:00.002+08:00

dear god.

im really tired.

for a second my heart sank wen he said hes unhappy wif the relationship. in my mind, its over n everything is falling apart. i cudnt sleep well. i thought abt a lot of things. n im having a veri veri bad migrane now.

he said he didnt mean it dat way. i dunno wat 2 react. my heart still aches. my brain shut dead.
maybe its coz i neva felt dat way. no matter how bad we fight, im still happy being wif him. i din realise dat hes not happy being wif me now.

till now, to be honest, dat phrase keeps playing in my mind.

"im becuming very unhappy with our relationship"

dear god, im deeply hurt.

2010-08-26T19:36:00.003+08:00

things are happening again n again.

me n him are goin thru a rough patch rite nw. i dunno wat 2 sae. we are both having difficulties to hold on 2 each other. i reli tink we are not meant 2 be. but 4 how long, onli god noes. my 1st instinct told me dat hes gonna break up wif me. but apparently dats not the case.

wen i msged a veri long msg, he tot i wanna break up. but no. i was actualli merely expressing my feelings. i was down, upset. so i said such things. but it doesnt mean break up.

wat pissed me off is, even till now, hes too ignorant 2 reply. dear god, pls tell me how am i suppose 2 NOT get angry wen he does tis every now n den.

2 make things worse., home is not a place 2 relax n soothe the mind either. my aunt n uncle are alwaes making false accusations n hurtful remarks.

dear god, all of these things are making me reli stress. i tried hard not 2 cry juz now. coz i was fasting. but these tears keep cuming back 4 more. onli u noe hw i reli feel inside.

i dunno wat else 2 sae rite nw. wat hurts the most is dat my 21st bdae is cuming in 4 daes time. me n him, we're suppose 2 breakfast together in teckwhye. but looking at the situation. i dunno if he wans 2 cum. it hurts me a lot. but i keep telling myself 2 be strong n smile. dats the onli thing i can do rite nw.

the onli thing dat i cudnt tell him rite nw is dat,

i miss him
i miss being happy wif him
i miss the gd mornings n gdnites we both shared.
n most importantly,

i love him.

i wish he knew. but its okay. at least my heart knew. n u knew.

u noe, as im typing tis, i can feel my tears warming up in my eyes. i wish i cud hug smone n cry.

2010-08-14T17:13:00.002+08:00

people here are giving me unfair treatment. i feel so pissed nw. my head n heart is burning. i wanted 2 tel someone. i wanted 2 tel u. but i juz realised dat u dun understand. u made urself clear wen u said its no big deal yestedae.

i feel so upset nw.

wat am i suppose 2 react wen others can go 4 their break fast at 7 except me. wat am i suppose 2 sae n think. wat am i suppose 2 feel. is it fair 4 me?

ur partner is suppose 2 share ur happiness n sorrows. but wen my partner onli made it worse wen i share my sorrows, wat am i suppose 2 feel? wen i tot dat he can make my heart feel better, wen i thought dat he cud see my way, but he didnt. wat am i suppose 2 feel?

i try 2 tel myself dat im fasting. i cant get angry. i cant cry. but my heart is aching. i dunno wat 2 do nw. my heart is juz dying inside. please tel me wat 2 feel rite nw. please tel wat is the right feeling dat i shud have.

dear god. i juz wan 2 shut myself down.

2010-08-12T14:28:00.005+08:00

im veri tired. working and fasting is not a good combination at all. my stomach is growling and my head is spinning.

sheesh. *shudders* im fasting ;D

aniwaes my birthday is coming yay! nenek bought me a guess bag alreadi. n my baby bought me a guess wallet. yay! so happy ;D i cant wait 4 the blueberry cake dat nenek is gonna make though. =)

im having my break nw. basically i cant eat. *duh!* so i tot of resting. but i cant sleep or close my eyes. coz im infront of the comp. so its hard haha.

i miss my baby. cant wait 2 break fast 2gether wif him. =)

im happy.

2010-08-09T13:52:00.003+08:00

had white mocha frappe tis morning. 8.00am! was craving 4 it. n fasting is in 2daes time. so i decided 2 satisfy my cravings first =p

today is veri veri crowded. the phone calls are like crazy. it kept cuming. i tink im goin crazy 2. worse, im having tis bad bad headache. its attacking the back of my neck nw. its reli horrible. n i stil have 3hrs more 2 go. =(

btw i met my pri sch teacher 2dae. its reli cool u noe. been years. im like 21 tis year. cool rite? i approached him n we tok. he was amazed dat i recognise him. well of coz he doesnt recognise me. haha. we had a small chat. meeting him made me realise hw time flies. n hw i missss my pri sch days =)

im happy. me n danial are back 2 normal. yay! he said smting cute 2dae. 21 more days to 21. cute buncits ;D i love my bf very very much =)

though hes a pain in the ass smtimes ;D

2010-08-08T12:30:00.002+08:00

hie bloggie. things are ok nw. i guess.

well, it wasnt at first. it told him 2 let me go if hes tired of me. n den we started blaming each other. he said he felt bullied, misunderstood, unforgiven and unappreciated. hmm.

maybe i alwaes misunderstood. well, he doesnt convince me. but i do appreciate him. wat he did. juz dat he din see it. bout the bully thing. i dun reli get it. unforgiven? hmm i do 4give. but i dun 4get.

u noe wat i think. i think we both are the same. i did shit things. he did shit things. we are juz the same. hard-headed, angry people who jumps 2 conclusions. n thus it alwaes cause a world war between us, unfortunately.

i dunno wats the conclusion nw but i tink we both agree 2 give each other time 2 heal. i tink dats the best.

2 be honest, im feeling relieved dat we tok it out. sometimes i wish he wud juz agree 2 tok it out wif me everytime i started toking abt feelings. n not 2 let it go on til now. which alreadi cause so much damage. can u tell him dat?

n yes i noe hes not the type dat show his feelings n all. but wen i ask, tell me lah. wats so hard? he said he doesnt show a lot of things but he did miss me wen im not around. he shud juz tell me n save me the trouble of asking rite?

i use 2 tell him EVERYTHING. which also cause world war between us. (SEE WAT I MEAN? WE FIGHT ABT EVERYTHING) but as i grew older i tink im a secretive person inside. i dun let it out. not all.

for example, YOU AKA MY BLOG. he doesnt noe dat im typing n revealing all tis in my blog. well, no one knew. its juz between u(blog) n me. tis blog is like my personal diary. though its public, no one knew. well, coz ive abandoned it 4 so long i gues.

im feeling tired. i cried 2 much. i tink 2 much. i got hurt 2 much. i tink i need 2 slow down wif my life. relax n enjoy life 2 the fullest.

but first, i need 2 REALLY heal myself..

2010-08-07T12:43:00.003+08:00

i said i wan 2 move on. i said i dun wan 2 cry. but i keep tinkin abt him. like wats gonna happen next, will we ever get 2 settle our differences, etc.

i texted him yestedae. saying thanks 4 wateva he has done 4 me. he din reply. i dun mind though. i juz wan 2 pass the msg. but after a while, i read back my msg. n i wonder. does my msg sound like as though im saying goodbye? is dat wat he is thinkin?

i said dat 2 let him noe dat i still acknowledge him no matter wat our situation is. but i hope he doesnt tink im saying goodbye.

the first text came tis morning. after jannah insists on me asking him sometin dat she wans 2 noe. so i msged him. n he replied. n after dat we tok abt my eye issue. i wasnt tinkin abt anitin else. i felt as though its been a while dat we actually tok. wen its actually onli 1 day.

wen i said i wan 2 be on my own 4 a while, i didnt mean goodbye. wen i said thank u 4 everything he has done 4 me, i didnt mean goodbye. if i said i wan a time-off, he wudnt wan it rite. so i put it in another way. dat is on my own. 4 a while. but i didnt mean goodbye.

did he thought i was saying goodbye?

i dunno. but i have a feelin he does. i wanted 2 tell him dat im not planning 2 leave. i wanted 2 tell him hw i cud i leave wen i love him? but i dunno y i juz kept quiet. maybe coz part of me stil feels sad bout wats goin on rite nw.

before i sleep yestedae i thought abt him a lot. i wonder wat is goin 2 happen between us. i pray 2 god dat if hes much happier tis way, without me in the picture, den im willing 2 let him go. if us bein 2gether is not the rite thing 4 him den im prepared 2 let him go. even though my heart says otherwise.

i miss him.

but i dunno wats rite 4 us rite nw. im feelin a little confuse. no its not dat i wan 2 leave. nothing like dat. im juz confuse on wats goin 2 happen 2 tis relationship.

can i please go somewher far frm here? perth again maybe? juz 4 a piece of mind. can i?

the funny thing is, though tis heart is hurt n crushed, at the end of the day i neva fail 2 hope dat god brings him safely home. though heartbroken, i prayed 4 his safety. i jus did yestedae. its funny rite.

sigh.

2010-08-06T12:34:00.003+08:00

someting happen yesterdae..

it all started wif him asking me out. coz he wanted 2 buy me the guess wallet i asked 4. i was happy. of coz. im getting the wallet n i also have the chance 2 spend time wif him b4 fasting. he came 2 fetch me at 5.30pm. he told me earlier dat he needed 2 pick up his mom at nite. i noe. but i was expecting it 2 be 7-8pm.

i REALLY didnt expect it 2 be at 6pm. it was rite after he got me the guess wallet. we didnt even had time 2 eat, sit n tok, walk around. none.

it struck me deep wen he said its time 2 go. i felt a sudden blow in my heart. my eyes were warm suddenly n i got the great urge 2 cry. but i try 2 smile. he ask me if im ok. i said yes. n i tried so hard 2 smile. i neva thought smiling wud be so hard til yestedae.

the worse came wen his mom was ther in the car. i felt like running. coz i cant hide my emotions. im not gd at it. i cant face her if she wans 2 tok 2 me. coz she might see my emotions. n i dun wan dat. wen its time 4 me 2 go i TRY HARD 2 gv a smile n say goodbye. but all dat i cud gv is a smile. the goodbye got stuck in my throat. i din expect him 2 msg me saying dat his mom saw my expression n asked me wats wrong.

see, i suck at hiding my emotions. no matter hw much i tried.

all i cud remember is dat i cried immediately wen i reach hm. im not angry. im juz sad. n frustrated. i noe its not his fault. i noe. but im human. i do feel sad. i told him dat i wanted 2 be alone. but he didnt understand. i got pissed. coz he didnt bother 2 understand wat i felt dat dae. i keep wondering..

doesnt my facial expression show anything?
did he not noe dat i was really sad?
did he bother 2 see the situation n hw it makes me feel?

wat i needed is 4 him 2 see all tis n understand. i wasnt angry. i was juz sad. so bad dat i juz wanted 2 be alone 4 a while. but hes juz 2 ignorant 2 understand. 2 ignorant dat he didnt bother 2 see wats goin on.

i wish he knew dat i wud trade dat wallet anytime just 2 spend the time with him. the wallet wasnt my 1st priority of meeting him. i juz wan 2 mit him.

but it doesnt matter now. its too late.

2010-08-05T14:05:00.011+08:00

this will be my very first post after god noes hw long. life has been veri crazy ever since. i realise as i grew older my thinking change n so does my actions. im not the same person i used to be. i dun share my despairs to others like i used to. now i prefer hiding dem.

i decided to build up tis blog again coz i think i cant alwaes keep things to myself. i need to let it out. n the onli place i can do dat is here.

my career life is ok. i like my job. i havent love it yet. but ya i like it. though its veri tiring, time flies veri fast. like adrenaline. n also, i dun have to think abt other unnessary things. like family problems, relationship problems, money problems.

me n danial are goin well i suppose. we do fight yes. but we solve it fast nw. the onli problem is dat the fights grow bigger den the last one. n sometimes it frustrates me wen hes too busy for me. the funny thing is, the planned out days together are alwaes the daes he has someting on at work. its getting annoying.

yes i noe hes not to be blamed. but wat am i suppose to do. i cant lie to myself saying dat i dun feel a thing abt it. wen im burning inside each time it happens.

things like these make me think a lot. n dats not a gd thing. i alwaes feel dat i think to much. im a thinker. n tinkin more makes me sad even more.

tis morning i had a thought, if he has no more time in the world except for family n work time, will he sacrifice his work time (take leave, mc etc.) for me?

i seek no answer. n i tell myself,

fatin, juz forget it.